No one actually tells you the cold hard truth of climbing your 20’s and that ticking ‘biological clock’ becomes more real than ever and its hard, and it hurts.
Whether it be family, friends, friends of friends or just plain strangers at gatherings they begin to point it out to you. ‘You’ll be next’, ‘The clock’s ticking’, ‘You’re getting clucky’, ‘Don’t wait too long’.
All of those sentences would be a little less abrasive to me if I weren’t secretly fighting an internal battle of worrying about my possible infertility or struggle to have children in the future, but they are abrasive, and they do hurt, and no one realises how much until I’m at a gathering with my older friends with all their children and their friends children and I fall into a heap and confide in one of them and burst into tears.
But I’m not allowed to feel this way according to society because I haven’t even turned 25 yet and I shouldn’t worry because ‘you’re still young’, ‘you’ll be fine’, ‘maybe its nothing’.
Then the judgement and stigma and worry only seems to get worse as you climb that unruly ladder of age up into your 30’s. I have seen that first hand from someone very close to me, and it breaks my heart, when they cry I cry because I feel it too.
And on the other hand I can’t begin trying for a child now because my life is not stable, I have a loving partner but we are not ‘there’ yet, I am overcoming injury as well as other things. So again I continue to have the uneasy feeling of rolling around in my own thoughts until then.
I see terrible, unfit mothers falling pregnant at the drop of a hat, I see my Facebook news feed filling up with more and more pregnancy announcements each year and I ache a little more inside each time and think ‘why can’t that be me?’.
Is it horrible that I find myself more jealous and upset than happy for their announcement?
There is nothing more I want in this world than a little bundle of love of my own, to watch them laugh, watch them grow, watch them play. But no ones tells you how it tears you up inside and sometimes its all you think about, and other times you avoid thinking about it at all just to stop the tears.
It’s something that’s now rearing its head more than I ever though possible, it has caused strain with my partner previously because I felt insecure and it has resulted in drunken crying messes and considering not being around friends with children. But I will not give up on my dream to be a mother, and I know you wont either.
Why am I writing this? Because I rarely see articles or blogs addressing these real, raw issues, and if I’m feeling like this there must be others too? And I don’t want them to feel alone, I hear you, I see you, I feel your pain and I understand.