I was used to always having you there growing up, even though it wasn’t the best childhood and most times were tough it would all feel that bit better having your Dad to make you feel okay.You were my hero.
I was ‘Daddy’s little girl’ they say, and I’ll admit he did gravitate toward me. When we had people over, parties or gatherings he would tell everyone how proud he was of me as I sat on his knee smiling. ‘How cool is my Dad, he’s my hero’ I thought to myself.
Although having a tumultuous relationship with my mother I still idolised him, sometimes I shouldn’t have but I did. Because he was my Dad, big and strong, smart with cars and would fix things for me, he was my hero.
That is until Mum finally called it quits a few years ago. I don’t blame her for that, you were better off apart. And then you became desperate and clung onto the first horrible woman who would even talk to you. Because you hadn’t been single in over twenty years and you didn’t know how to be, you were scared of being alone.
Before we move on let me tell you a key issue… I am strong, stubborn and passionate. I fight for what I believe in, and I got that from my Dad.
First it was the drug addict who’s daughter broke my nose.
You chose her over me as you watched me crying with blood gushing out of my face.
Second it was the needy woman who was uncomfortable with your friendship with my Mum.
And Finally, it was the manipulating, conniving, hateful, selfish, sneaky, spiteful, dangerous, two-faced woman you ended up calling your girlfriend for 2 years. That tore our family apart.
We were happy for you in the beginning, we went to events with you two together, we greeted her with open arms. That is, until we started seeing the true side of her just a short month in.
Threats, belittling you, talking to you like an animal and being a downright nasty person.
It snowballed from there. As time went by it became clear how possessive she was and obvious that she didn’t want you near ANY of your children let alone our mother.
My parents friendship deteriorated, my brothers football games were missed, celebrations no longer attended and excuses always made up.
All because you ‘loved her’, but I don’t think she actually loved you.
As we drifted further and further apart my heart ached and hurt a little more each time you let us children down. Because the art of showing up is something all parents should be fluent in. But you let that slip once you met her.
Break up, get back together, break up, get back together.
This was the continuous cycle of my Dad’s ‘happy’ relationship. The woman he ‘couldn’t live without’. All the while running back to us while he had separated from her to fill his empty void, suck us back in, steal our love then leave again.
Here is where my strength and stubbornness became an issue, for him.
I would go to the ends of the earth to protect my brother and sister. I would die for them in a heartbeat. They are an extension of me, and to see them so unhappy killed me inside.
I could deal with you hurting me. I could put up my walls and act tough like it didn’t bother me. I could cut you off seemingly without a care in the world whilst it killed me inside.
But not them, I wont let you make them feel the way I had tried so hard to bury within myself.
My sister cries over you, my brother holds it in until he explodes with anger to everyone around him.
Because all they want is their dad to give a shit about them… to remember that they exist!
They feel rejected.
This is when I stepped in, took on the big sister role and stood the hell up to you. And I won’t back down because I love those kids!
And he didn’t like it because he wasn’t used to being stood up to.
‘Get the fuck out now!!!’ he yelled after a confronting argument with myself and my brother.
After bringing some truth to light about his girlfriend and trying to get him to open his eyes.
He didn’t. Again he chose her side called me a bitch and aggressively kicked us out.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. If I were to tell you the whole story id be writing a novel.
So much else happened few and far between that destroyed us, myself, my brother and my sister.
Finally he decided to make me the invisible child after an argument in the Holidays. He vowed to never speak to me again. And he did just that after ending up in the same room as me and giving me the silent treatment. You were my hero, but not anymore.
We cut you off for good this time, we didn’t go running back.
You called, no one answered or you received emotionless responses and excuses for not catching up. We were all too hurt to try for you again.
And NOW you are suddenly thrust back into our lives after your ‘final breakup’ with your girlfriend…again.
I can’t deal with it.
You have started coming to our house like nothing ever happened, like you never lied to us, like you never god damn threw us aside into the mud after meeting her!!
AND IT’S NOT FAIR.
You don’t get to just come back when you feel like it and turn our lives upside down! With no apology, no acceptance of responsibility, NOTHING.
Did you know that my sister cried after the first day you showed up because she couldn’t handle the heartache and confusion.
Did you know that your son doesn’t believe that you will stick around and is forcing himself to treat you like a mate so he can’t get hurt.
Did you know that I refuse to break down my walls and let you in again.
Did you know that your daughter is doing great with her study.
Did you know that your son needs an operation.
NO because you didn’t want to know or care to know because you were too damn busy carrying your girlfriend to her pedestal and using us a fucking ladder!
To the parent who left….you hurt us, you broke our hearts, you ruined our faith in you.
Mum picked up the pieces and we’re all closer than ever trying to fill the gap that you left inside us when you disappeared. Don’t underestimate your importance in your child’s life, no matter what age.
You tore us down but you made us stronger.
Strong enough to handle rejection.
And strong enough not to be walked over in future.