For some of us, walking away from an old and damaging relationship and entering into a new one is both terrifying and a big learning curve. It has you feeling so vulnerable.
I have yet to discover an article or blog addressing what its really like trying to trust again and break down those walls with someone new. So here is mine.
After many failed relationship’s that i poured my heart and soul into i began to think, maybe it is me, maybe i’m just hard to love?
Just over a year ago i met someone that was different to my usual ‘type’, he was ‘safe’, not the type of go to go out and fool around with other girls or lie to me, to be quite honest he was a square and the safety of him is what attracted me. I know it sounds stupid right? But after all the times i had been deceived and hurt safe sounded good.
Fast forward to 12 months, i had finally let my walls down and let him in completely after him promising he would never hurt me. I believed him-silly me.
Life seemed good, that was until i discovered he had been talking to, flirting and doing whatever else with other women behind my back for at least several weeks.
My heart was crushed, it hurt so bad i couldn’t breathe properly. It were as if i stood there and watched him rip my heart out my chest and stomp on it in front of me.
How could Mr.Safe do this to me? I felt like i had wasted my time and heart all over again, why do i bother? I remember telling myself no more relationships, that way i cant get hurt.
Goodbye old love.
A few months passed and loneliness crept in. Not so much needing a companion but needing a friend. I downloaded a ‘dating app’ with no intention of dating but maybe with intention of feeling like i was desirable and not broken? For something to take my mind off things.
Immediately i was flooded with inappropriate messages and harassment from sleazy men, All ladies who have been on a dating site know what i mean! I was immediately put off, until one guy actually wanted to talk to me about something other than sex.
He asked me what interests i had, what my hobbies were, what type of music i like , ‘I want to learn things about you’ he said. This was so damn refreshing.
That conversation turned into 8 hours of non-stop messaging until 4am and being unbelievably surprised by how much we had in common, and not once did he try to be sleazy to me.
The non stop chat continued for days on end and he even set and alarm to ask me how a job interview went. Little things like that got me.
Our first phone call i was so nervous. This meant things were becoming real. What if he doesn’t actually like my personality over the phone? What if he isn’t attracted to me? As someone with low self esteem that was plummeting due to previous relationships i almost didn’t want to meet him in person in fear of not being what he expected and rejection.
That phone call lasted hours, so did the next one and the one after that. It was unbelievable how much he could make me smile, and laugh!
Hello new love.
Fast forward to several months in…i feel like this man is my soul mate, were almost one in the same. Similar life experiences, similar personalities and senses of humour! And damn he makes my heart happy.
He has opened my eyes to how much i was letting go of and missing out on with ‘Mr.Safe’.
He is Mr.Passionate, Mr. Funny, Mr. Affectionate, Mr.Cheeky, Mr.Mature.
All of which my ex wasn’t. He holds me all night while we sleep and pulls me in closer every time i drift away, he isn’t afraid to show people i’m his and that he loves me, he makes me laugh til my cheeks hurt and is just as obsessed with me as i am with him.
Writing that made me smile incredibly big.
But…there’s always gotta be a but hey?
I’ve almost sabotaged and thrown away my new love several times already because 1) I don’t feel i deserve it and 2) This is the most insecure and paranoid i have been in my life and my old relationship baggage has caught up with me.
And i fear that is not the last time i will unintentionally push him away. He has many female friends, which has never bothered me before, but now it does.
I use to have great self confidence, but I’ve told him his life would be better off without me.
Now, more so than ever i am feeling the damage from all my past relationships destroying my trust in my new love. Especially Mr.Safe ..because he was meant to be just that and proved that no matter who you choose you may always get hurt.
With my old love i settled for yes dear’s and no dear’s, not being able to be myself in front of his family, accepting that i would have a lackluster long time relationship and a non exciting ‘safe’ life.
My new love love’s me just the way i am and brings out my inner fire daily.
I am scared of ruining the best thing that’s ever happened to me because i feel i am broken. I don’t wan’t to be that paranoid girlfriend or the cynical lover.
How do i overcome this? Right now i don’t know, but i will enjoy my new love and try to have more faith in the power of love each day.
Don’t let your baggage weigh you down from catching the next flight to happiness.