I haven’t written in a while, nor do i really know where i’m going with this. But it’s come to the point where so much has been happening and my emotions are spilling out.

I’ve recently had a close family member come close to death several time’s in the last few weeks and they’re not well at all. I look at her and i see a shadow of her former self. It seems the light and colour are draining from her day by day and a piece of my heart crumbles ever damn time i see her slip backward.

I’ve been prompted to write this morning because she has just been rushed into the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) in a critical state.

The new’s hit me like a tonne of bricks and all i could do was sit on my bed with tears rolling down my face. Then i had to break the news to my siblings, i hate being the bearer of such terrible news. This has been my emotional roller coaster for the last few weeks, in one breath i think they’ve saved her and in the next she is regressing, and my heart and mind aren’t coping.

This woman is a strong pillar in our family and her and I are close. Which is probably why it’s hurting me so much more to see her deteriorate and lose her fire. She was strong, independent, and a massive support base for many…how the hell do i let her go?

If i could give up piece of me to keep her here with us… i would.

Since my brother passed many years ago and witnessing my Grandmother’s husband die in front of my eyes I’ve never had a good relationship with death, but then again does anyone?

I fear that if the man upstairs takes her from us i won’t cope, and will possibly fall back into depression which terrifies me.

It’s not her time, it cant be her time.

My mum says ‘The worst part of life is death’, ain’t that the truth.

I’m not a woman of faith, but i’d pray to keep you here, to take your pain away, to make you happy.

Deep down I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst but knowing i will fall if the worst does happen. Tears well up in my eyes at the thought of losing you.

Life sure has been beautiful with you in it, let’s hope it’s not goodbye yet, because saying goodbye ain’t easy.